Bearing my "fat" soul

So the purpose of this blog is not just for me to get my feelings out and feel better. While it is that, it is also an outlet of discussion for people who are either going through the same thing, feeling the same thing, or simply like a recipe that I have posted. I have not posted as much as I want the last couple days so I need to catch up on all the things I want to share. First off, I would like to share a blog I wrote on Sparkpeople.com. This is a website to help in weight loss and getting healthy. If you want to join my name is Myfadedrainbow on there and I would love for you to friend me. Well, here it was.

My bathroom is officially a war zone. I was derailed for a few days with a war injury: my ego. See, in my bathroom there is a scale. This scale taunts me every time I go in. And when I step on it and I have gained 2 pounds in a matter of 6 hours, it is beyond frustrating for me because it takes me 2 days to lose it again. I don't understand how my body can fluctuate so much. Now, a smart person would say "Hey dummy get the scale out of the bathroom" but I can't. I have tried. I got it out at one point and then 2 hours later there it was again, in my bathroom, giving me "the look".

Like a meth-addict, I keep relapsing into "comfortable routines". I have figured out that when I do not see immediate results (I know this is not a genius move and it is not realistic) I get frustrated and think "well when I do not exercise and be strict with myself I know the outcome...nothing" Sometimes preparing yourself and doing it on purpose is better than trying with everything you have and still getting nothing. If I work hard and get nothing, and do nothing and get nothing...why not do nothing? I know this is not logical. This is my war with Anorexia/Bulimia. I starve myself one day in frustration and then late that night I am so overwhelmed with emotions and hunger that I binge. Then I feel guilty because I want to purge so bad but I don't and all that crap I just ate throws me back into the not eating mode. This is my war. The scale is it's weapon of mass destruction. I know I have these issues and I know I need to get them in order, but sometimes it is so overpowering. When an alcoholic walks into a bar they feel tempted and remember what it is like to be an alcoholic. Sometimes this stops them from drinking again and sometimes it is not enough. Someday I will have the will power to put an end to this cycle. One step at a time though. Talking about it and acknowledging it is a good step forward.

If this is you now or at any point in your life, know that you are not alone. I get all the time "I would have never known you had an eating disorder". This is the point. For no one to find out. The shame that lingers over you is unbearable. But in order for me to get better I need to put an end to this. I know I should be back in therapy and while this is a bad excuse it is also very true for me...I have no time and no sitter on a usual basis. I am glad that when I was in therapy she explained to me that I am not feeling this way because I am crazy but that an eating disorder I thought I was long rid of was in fact sitting inside me. Just because people are not rail thin doesn't mean they aren't sick with anorexia or bulimia; some of those people were overweight once and the disease ate them away.

I hope this helps at least one person. One person helped can pay it forward.